June 27, 2017
Initially, I was quite hesitant as to whether this movie even deserves addressing and, eventually, decided to write a short review about it nonetheless, ’cause I do have a few things to say about it. Let’s start for the very beginning – the cringe begins within the first few minutes when we see Merlin the Magician (played by Stanley Tucci for some reason) as not a magician, but as a drunk, who somehow speaks like regular, 21st century person. Right that second, I knew that Michael Bay is going to shove the same old pile of garbage down our throats for the 5th time.
I think it is safe to say that the plot is non-existent, it manages to strike the perfect balance between being needlessly convoluted while completely undeveloped. Let’s plow ahead – there’s a teenage girl with an uglier BB-8 robot who’s been featured in all of the trailers like she’s this new player in the franchise. Nope! She’s in it for the first 10-20 minutes, then the kid disappears for the rest of the movie and reappears in the last 10 or so minutes.
All autobots are being hunted by the government and Marky Mark is in hiding with Bumblebee and Co. While autobots are being treated as criminals, the authorities find it okay to make deals with Megatron. Anyways, “the plot” demands Mark to go to England ( it’s where all the action’s gonna happen). In England, he meets Anthony Hopkins and Not-Megan-Fox and they ridicule Mark for not having sex for too long. Neat! Mark has a transformers artefact at his disposal and Not-Megan-Fox (Also, Peter Quill’s mom) is the only one who can use an artefact of her own to avert the destruction of Earth. The whole thing is so bloody ludicrous, that we’re not gonna get into more details.
Where’s Optimus though? That is an excellent question – nowhere! Basically, he’s not in the movie. Prime is absent for 90% of the movie. At first, he is simply floating in space on his way to Cybertron and his creators. Once arrived, he gets immediately brainwashed by his creator – Quintessa and goes back to Earth to retrieve the thing Not-Megan-Fox has. Optimus arrives on Earth in the last 15 minutes of the movie to have a 2-minute punch out with Bumblebee and give a speech. Ta-da! Needless to say that there were barely any transforming in a Transformers movie.
This movie fills me with regret for all the lost opportunities, for the disrespect it has to the audience. At the same time, I’m filled with hope, because Transformers 5 had the worst box office opening in comparison to previous films of the series, which means that it will, hopefully, underperform and we’ll get it rebooted with a good script, a good director and no human characters.